What Might Have Been
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: AU Kitazawa wasn't there when Eiri got attacked so he didn't get killed, now it's six years after the fact and he and Seguchi are there helping Eiri get on with his life. Kitazawa will be referred to as Yuki and Eiri will be referred as Eiri.
1. Chapter 1

**What Might Have Been:**

**Chapter one:**

**Eiri's POV:**

Six years ago everything changed, a terrible thing happened to me and I almost died that day. But Yuki and Seguchi were able to help me before that—I owe them so much. I love them much more than I can say, I never want to lose them.

They never caught the guys who did it, and I'm still attending therapy to deal with it—I never would have made any progress without Yuki and Seguchi there to help me. I doubt the men responsible will ever face charges as I barely remember that day—that's why I'm still in therapy—how can I deal with something I don't remember?

I regret what happened, I should've done something, anything to fight them off, but I was too afraid. One of them had a gun—I could've grabbed it, but I….I didn't. I don't ever want to kill—that would leave me more scarred than I am now.

"Eiri-kun, are you still up? It's time for bed, you have college in the morning." Yuki calls to me, his voice serious but not too much.

Usually he's not so pushy but tonight he's taking his son to a movie—Yuki and his son's mother have broken up, so he hardly gets to see his son. Riku I believe is his name. I hardly see him but he's growing well for his age—which I don't know.

"Eiri-kun."

"I'll go to bed as soon as I'm done typing this—I want to get the first chapter done."

"That story? Why do you need to write? I thought you didn't like it."

"That's before you became an author—now I want to try it." I smile at him, something I only do around him or Seguchi. "I'm nearly done."

"You say that, but an hour from now you'll still be typing….Look, just make sure you're in bed before Seguchi arrives to check on you. I don't want to hear his mouth. He pulled a lot of strings to get you into college—if you blow it by missing too many days like the last school you were in…."

"I won't miss tomorrow. I promise. And I'll be in bed before he arrives, I promise."

"Good." He steps over to me and places his hand on my head—something I only allow him to do. "Hey, are you typing what's going on as it happens?"

"….maybe…."

"Hey, stop that. Stop typing your answers as you say them—" He glares at me, but then sighs. "You've gotten good at typing if you can type things that fast. With details too."

He runs his fingers through my light colored hair and sighs again—I swear every time he looks at me he has a guilty expression on his face. Ever since that day.

"Time for bed. Seriously, I can't leave until you're asleep and I need to leave to pick up Riku. Normally I would have Yoshiki look after you but he's busy."

"Don't you mean 'she'? Your brother got a sex-change."

"Don't remind me." Sighing once more, Yuki removes his hand and turns toward the door. "Just get to bed before Seguchi arrives to check on you, okay? The last thing I need is him jumping down my throat. And don't do anything other than typing before going to bed, okay?" He glares at me, a serious expression on his face.

"I won't." He's referring to my cutting—ever since that day I've attacked myself with razors and knives. I still haven't gotten over that—I guess it's because I could've fought those men off but didn't. That aggression still exists inside me, consuming me until I have to bring a blade to my arm or leg.

They don't know yet about the cuts on my leg—but after my next doctor's appointment, they'll know. It's three months away—and the scars won't be healed completely on some of them. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it, I need to act out my aggression someway—and I can't hurt anyone else. And I'll get in trouble if I break anything—so I cut.

I don't get yelled at for cutting, I only get a visit by my therapist and have to tell her how I felt at the time—she doesn't tell Yuki or Seguchi anything about what I say, unless I tell her she can. I'm twenty-three years old after all. And I live in New York.

At least until Seguchi wants me to move back to Japan, he's been talking about it for a while—trying to get me to agree. But I don't want to, I want to stay with Yuki—I care for him a lot, more than I can express or accept. I can't accept how I feel about him since that day, but I need to be close to him. I love him.

No, don't think about that, it's disgusting. I can't love him that way, not that way. Not since those men took from me my innocence. I can't love anyone that way—not even women. Though I've tried.

Same as I try to surpass what happened to me, I keep pushing myself to overcome the event, but I can't. I can't even admit what happened to me yet, not to my therapist or even to Yuki or Seguchi—though they both know what happened. I just can't talk to them about it, I can't accept what happened to me.

I yawn as I type, Yuki has already left and now I'm tired. Enough for today, I'll continue this tomorrow.

**A/N: End Chapter. Please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**What Might Have Been:**

**Chapter Two**

**Eiri POV**

Damn it! Why did Yuki have to read what I wrote? Now they know about the cuts on my legs. I had to show them before they let me do anything else. Damn it! I really hate them now, where am I supposed to cut without them knowing now?

Okay, enough venting—today, besides them finding out about my legs, was uneventful, except when Yoshiki told Yuki she/he was getting a full sex change. I would've laughed at Yuki's expression if I hadn't been angry at them finding out about my legs. Now I can't help chuckling at the memory.

Even if I have to see the therapist tomorrow, I can still laugh at that memory.

"Eiri, can you take a break from typing?" Seguchi walks in the room and looks at me. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

"What is it, Seguchi? Just tell me now, I'm listening."

"…." Seguchi stares at me typing as I talk and smiles. "I see you are good at typing now—now if you just start going to college…."

"I don't want to go, I think I'll be a good author instead."

"But going to school wouldn't hurt—in fact it'd help…." Seguchi sighs when I don't respond and then walks up to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. "Eiri, if you don't go to school out here I'm taking you back to Japan."

"I don't want to go back to Japan! You can't make me, either." I turn to glare at him, light brown eyes narrowed.

"You know you promised not to cut if I let you stay here. You didn't keep your end of the deal, so I won't let you stay. Even if I have to go to court and say you can't take care of yourself and need a guardian, I'll get you back to Japan."

"…why do you want me in Japan so much?"

"Your family wants to see you. Also, Kitazawa-san isn't a very good guardian—I told him to watch you last night but he didn't. He didn't even wait until you were asleep before leaving."

"You read that part too."

"Yes, I read all of it. If you don't want things read you shouldn't leave the computer on. Besides, I already knew from his brother about him not watching you."

"Guess Yuki's going to get in trouble." I chuckle. "And Yoshiki will be his sister now since he's getting the full sex change operation."

"I've heard. Kitazawa-san has been going on about it, ranting all day. He wants me to convince his brother not to." Seguchi moves his hand from my shoulder and smiles again. "I told him no, of course. Since he hasn't been watching you I won't do anything for him."

"You know, Seguchi, sometimes that smile of yours doesn't go with your words."

He continues to smile and ruffles my hair—I cringe away from his touch, only Yuki was allowed to mess with my hair.

"Sorry. I forgot, Eiri." He removes his hand, his smile fading from his lips. "Anyway, have your bags ready by this weekend. I already made plans to leave for Japan—so you're going." With that he turns and leaves the room, not waiting for my reply.

"Fuck you." I whisper, making sure he was out of hearing before the curse left my lips. I hated him then, I didn't want to go back to Japan and leave Yuki behind. I knew Yuki wouldn't leave his son behind, and since Riku lived with his mother, Yuki wouldn't leave.

I wanted to stay with Yuki, didn't Seguchi know I cared for them both deeply—but Yuki couldn't visit easily while he could. Seguchi could visit everyday if he wanted, and he did, but Yuki couldn't—not if I moved back to Japan.

"I hate you, Seguchi. I hate you."

**A/N: End chapter**


	3. Chapter 3

**What Might Have Been**

**Chapter three:**

**Eiri's POV:**

Today I moved back to Japan with Seguchi. He wanted me to move in with my family, but I refused—it's bad enough being here, I'm not making it worse by living with them. I'm a grown man, not a child.

Thus Seguchi got me my own apartment in Tokyo, a large and spacious one. I don't know how much money he spent on it, quite a bit—I feel guilty until I remember how rich he is. He owns his own company, not to mention used to be part of a famous band that broke up three years ago.

"So Eiri, how do you like the place so far?"

"It's okay." Actually it feels great but I don't tell him that—being able to have my own place somewhat makes up for being back in Japan. "It's big."

"Yes, it is quite spacious, only the best for my brother-in-law." He smiled until he turned serious and studied me. "Now, are you sure you'll be okay by yourself? You won't cut, will you?"

"I won't." I say that but who knows if something won't seduce me into cutting—anything could entice me, especially if I have a flashback. During my flashbacks the cutting's worse—often I'm not even aware of what I do, that frightens me but I don't tell Seguchi or the therapist.

"There's enough food for tonight, I'll take you shopping tomorrow for more."

"Okay, Seguchi."

I smile back to him, I no longer type in front of him—I kept getting tired of him looking over my shoulder and reading what I write. Ever since he learned about my legs he's been looking for secrets in my typing—but I no longer keep my writing easy to find. I think that frustrates him.

"Well, see you tomorrow. Bye Eiri."

"Bye Seguchi."

He leaves and now I'm alone—finally. I catch up on typing before going to get something to eat. There are mainly bowls of instant noodles, not much else—plus some milk and soda. Nothing difficult to make or alcoholic to drink….I guess he doesn't know I learned to cook at Yuki's, same with drinking.

Yuki always loves to drink—wine, beer…anything really as long as it contained alcohol. But he never drank too much in front of me—he almost seemed afraid to, especially if I drank too. I still don't know why; guess it's one of those mysteries like why he looks guiltily at me sometimes.

I wonder if he blames himself for what happened as it happened while I was at his place….maybe that's it. I'll need to ask him about it one of these days—if I ever can talk to him again. I don't think the phone Seguchi set up here can call overseas….

"Yuki….I miss you already, please come to visit soon…."

**A/N: End chapter**


	4. Chapter 4

**What Might Have Been**

**Chapter Four**

**Seguchi's POV:**

I know it's breaking Eiri's heart to be back in Japan and away from Kitazawa, but it must be done. Now that I know the truth, I won't let Eiri near that bastard again.

Yes, I found out that it was Kitazawa that sold Eiri to those punks—just so he could buy more alcohol. I found out from Kitazawa himself one night, he was drunk and he blurted it out….with the gall of saying he should've gotten more than ten dollars for the kid.

That almost caused me to kill him then and there, but Eiri would be devastated—and I already know I won't tell Eiri the truth. I don't think he can take it, if he even believes it. At best he would refuse to believe it and hate me; probably he would go back to live with Kitazawa. At worst….I don't want to think about the worst.

So I won't tell him, I'll just keep him from seeing Kitazawa again regardless of what it does to him. I don't want another repeat of the incident nor for Kitazawa to blurt to Eiri the truth. I already know how he gets when he drinks and I don't want Eiri around that.

I hope Eiri keeps his promise about the cutting—I don't want him to hate me by making him move in with me. I know if I make him hate me, he'd never trust me again—worse he might go back to Kitazawa; I know he'd find a way back to him if he really wanted it. That scares me. If he goes back to that bastard I don't know what I'd do—probably would really kill Kitazawa.

And that would hurt Eiri.

God, for once in my life I don't know what to do. I don't have an answer to this problem, and I always have answers to all the problems I face—or if I don't have one, one soon surfaces. But now I have nothing…no solution or even the power to make it okay.

Eiri's problem won't go away by me doing something—he needs to solve it on his own, with support from me; I can't solve it for him, that scares me—there's something I can't solve…and it's the most pressing problem I have.

God, I need help with this—how am I supposed to help Eiri? How do I get him to stop hurting himself? How can I help him overcome the feelings his rape caused? How?

And how do I get him to trust me enough to tell me the truth about his cutting instead of hiding it?

**A/N: End chapter**


	5. Chapter 5

**What Might Have Been:**

**Chapter Five**

**Eiri's POV:**

It's near midnight and I'm wondering around the city, growing accustomed to the vast crowds—crowds bigger than in New York. I never really liked crowds but after living in cities for years I grew accustomed to them, as long as I didn't remain in them long. Ever since that day, with those men six years ago, I always had a problem being around people for too long.

I know it's an irrational fear, but I fear that event happening again—even in crowds. I can't stand them.

_God, I need to cut_, I think as I wander away from the crowd, rushing from the people as my hand begins trembling. Reaching into my pocket I take out a thin piece of metal—a razor, and lean against a towering skyscraper. Without thinking, gasping to slow my racing heart, I slice it against my forearm—three times. Trembling still I drop the razor as silent tears rush down my face, some of the tears dripping on my arm smearing the blood.

"God. Where's Seguchi when you need him?" I whisper, slinking deeper into the shadows as I wipe the tears on my shirt sleeve. I shouldn't have wandered out so far from my apartment, especially at night. What's worse is I left my cell phone at home. I couldn't call Seguchi to come pick me up—even if he would be furious, I needed him.

"Hey, are you okay?" A strange voice asks and I turn my head to stare at the stranger who noticed me. Violet eyes stare back at me, gleaming in the dim light shining down. Something in those eyes—something powerful pulls me in, and I find myself stepping out of the shadows.

As I step into the light, the violet eyes widen and the stranger gasps.

"I'm sorry I thought…." He mumbles stepping back as he takes in my appearance, obviously I wasn't what he thought I would be—but who could blame him? Who could imagine a grown man crying in a city alleyway?

"It's okay." I whisper, gazing him over finally noticing the color of his hair as he steps more into the light. Pink.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, whatever you were doing I…." He backs away a few steps, averting his eyes from my face—with the luck of resting on the sight of my cut arm. "What happened to your arm?"

"…." I tremble again as I pull my arm back into the shadows—but the stranger already saw enough.

"You're hurt, that needs to get bandaged." He steps toward me and grabs my arm before I could slink deeply into the shadows again. "Whoa…who did this to you?"

I simply shook my head; reluctant to answer his question, but not frightened enough to pull away.

"Come on, someone had to do this to you, I mean, you didn't do this to yourself…." He stares into my eyes as I tremble and back away from him at those words. "…did you?"

I avert my eyes as his sadden and stare at the cuts on my forearm.

"You were crying, weren't you?"

I merely nod, taking my arm away from his now loose grip.

"Oh." He whispers, and takes my hand. "Where do you live?"

I tell him, trembling until I look into his eyes again—mesmerized by the violet gleaming in the light.

"That's not that far from here, let me walk you home."

Again I merely nod and follow.

**A/N: End chapter.**


	6. Chapter 6

**What Might Have Been**

**Chapter six**

**Shuuichi's POV**

I don't know why I offered to walk the strange blond home, I don't know why I felt pity for him—just because he cut himself and was crying, I felt sorry for him. He seemed so alone and afraid, so lost—I couldn't leave him alone.

"So, what's your name? Mine's Shindou." I asked him as I walked him down the sidewalk, walking down a street with few people.

"Uesugi."

"That sounds like a nice name." I smiled as I led him down a side-street—a shortcut to his apartment—or at least I tried to lead him.

"Where are we going?" He asked his voice becoming shrill. Suddenly he stopped and pulled his arm out of my hand.

"This is just a shortcut to your place…."

"No…I don't know this way, no…." He pulled back toward the main street, trembling.

"I…are you all right?" I asked as I stepped towards him, worry flooding through me as I watched him shake and grasp his cut arm, digging his nails into the wounded flesh.

"I don't know that way." He repeated voice shaky.

"Okay, okay, we won't go that way. Just calm down." I stepped after him, and grasped his arm once again. "What way do you know?"

He simply shook his head and freed his arm from my loose grip. Looking into his eyes I nearly gasped when I saw the tears glistening in them.

"You don't know the way, do you?"

"….I just moved here…." His voice sounded so small, like a young boy's, not the grown man that he was.

"It's okay." I reassured him, biting my lip to keep the frustration at bay—how was I supposed to get him to his home now? "Is there anyone around here you know? Anyone you could call?"

"I don't have my cell phone with me."

"That doesn't matter, I have one." I pulled out my cell and handed it to him, which he took hesitantly. "Go on; call someone to pick you up."

-

**Eiri's POV:**

I took the phone from the pink haired man, eyeing him curiously—what sort of person would let a stranger use their cell phone? Even to someone as pathetic as me?

"Thank you." I said and then dialed a number into the cell, my fingers still trembling from the scare before.

Honestly, flashbacks of what happened six years ago swarmed through my thoughts when he tried to take me down the side street—the men from six years ago dragged me out of the apartment after they…after they did what they did…and they tried dragging me down an alleyway before being stopped by Seguchi.

I couldn't help trembling thinking about it now, even as Seguchi's voice rung in my ear from the phone.

"Seguchi here."

"Hello, it's me."

"Eiri-san! Is everything all right? What happened to your cell phone?"

"I left my cell at the apartment; I'm using a kind stranger's cell right now. Shindou-san is his name."

"Did you say Shindou?"

"Yes."

"All right, is everything all right? Where are you right now?"

"I don't know where I am right now. I forgot how to get back." I felt the tears refill my eyes as I spoke. "Shindou-san tried to bring me home but I started having flashbacks….I couldn't follow."

"Shh…it's okay, Eiri. Can you tell me what road you're on?"

"I don't know…." I started crying then, I couldn't help it.

"Eiri, Eiri….It's all right, everything's okay." Seguchi cooed his voice gentle though I suppose he was worried. "Give the phone to Shindou-san, Eiri."

I did as told, tears sliding down my cheeks as Shindou-san took the phone from me.

"It'll be okay." Shindou said to me before speaking into the phone. "Hello?"

I watched as his expression turned to one of surprise listening to Seguchi, after a few seconds of silence he quickly told where we were and passed the phone back to me.

"Seguchi…."

"I'll come to get you in a few minutes, Eiri. Just stay with Shindou-san, okay? Just stay where you are, okay?"

"Okay."

**A/N: End chapter**


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